Highs, lows - and a late-night online purchase that changed my life.

There are evenings that start harmlessly and end deep inside yourself - metaphorically, but sometimes quite literally.

I was 17, alone in my room, my heart racing faster than the Wi-Fi. My thoughts were racing. I knew something inside me wanted to get out.

Phase 1: Googling instead of showing feelings

It started - like so many things in queer biographies - with Google.

Am I gay?

What if my parents find out?

What is an otter and why is he flirting with me?

The search results eventually led me to the first of these sites, which somehow wanted to be everything at once: Forum, guide, store, safe space. Gaymarkt.at was one of these platforms that oscillated between a 2000s retro look and discreet knowledge transfer.

I read, learned, laughed. And, well... clicked. I ordered my very first toy there. Quietly, excitedly, in the middle of the night. It came discreetly packaged - so discreetly that I almost forgot what was inside.

But the feeling of treating myself to something just for me, something curious, with no regrets - that was new. And incredibly liberating.

Phase 2: Saying who you are

The coming out itself? Rather anti-Hollywood.

No dramatic music, no cut to slow-motion tears.

More like: "Mom, Dad, I think I like boys."

Mom: "I know."

Dad: "Coffee?"

To be honest, I was a little disappointed - I had expected more drama. Instead, I later celebrated quietly with myself: new underwear, a bottle of fragrance with potential - this time from a site that I now use more often: Poppers-Shop.de.

More stylish, more thoughtful, somehow... more grown-up. I no longer wanted a brightly colored cliche experience, but something that felt like a real upgrade. And that's what I found there - without any flashy banners or winking rubber dolphins.

Phase 3: Curiosity meets everyday life

Over time, everything became more natural. I had dates, good ones and disastrous ones. I learned that not all underwear is the same. There are styles that make you put them on and feel directly... seen.

I also learned that there are vials where a small whiff is enough to turn a moment into a memory - subtle but intense. Some call it aromatherapy, others have more creative terms.

It became a little tradition: when I wasn't feeling well, I would treat myself to something. A new pair of shorts, a stylish toy or simply a fragrance that made me feel in control of my own little world. Both sites - Gaymarkt.at and Poppers-Shop.de - were like silent companions. The former for the first courage, the latter for everything that followed.

Today

Today I am open, proud, sometimes quiet, sometimes loud.

My coming out was not a moment - it was a journey.

And somewhere between forum posts, discreet orders and fragrant bottles, I learned: I don't have to please anyone but myself.

So if you're sitting in front of the screen at night, brooding, the cursor blinking in the search box - maybe you're closer to coming out than you think. And maybe, just like me back then, a little click will help you to take the first step.